Hair, the Jet, and Revenge
by MarburyBlur
Summary: After an innocent prank pulled on a not-so-innocent Reid, he gets his revenge on all who conspired. Yes, even Hotch.
1. Chapter 1

**Surprise! I'm not dead.**

**...actually I kinda am because a horrible thing happened:**

**School.**

**Excuse me while I go cry in the corner.**

**I Don't Own Not Nothin'(except for that triple negative)**

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><p>1. Reid<p>

Reid woke up on the jet, the whole team on their way home after a case. Immediately, Reid was suspicious.

Everyone was staring at him, Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia obviously trying to look innocent, Hotch and Rossi quietly chuckling, and Morgan not even bothering to hide his guffaws.

"What happened?! What did you do to me?" Reid asked, panicking. he sat up in his chair and checked to make sure his clothes were on.

"Look in the mirror, Spence," JJ said through her giggles. Reid instantly ran to the mirror in the jet's bathroom.

"Ahh! What the hell?!" The team joined Morgan and laughed loudly.

Reid stormed out of the bathroom.

"What. The. Hell. Why do I have cornrows?! These braids are tiny! I'll never get them out!"

The team kept laughing.

"Morgan, help me!" Reid struggled to unbraid his hair, but the braids were so small, it was obvious it would take a lot of work.

"Nuh-uh, Reid. If I help, the girls will kill me. And I'm a lot more scared of the girls than I am of you."

Reid stopped fingering his hair and narrowed his eyes at Morgan. "Not for long..." he muttered.

As the laughter died down, Reid nonchalantly asked, "Morgan, what kind of soap do you use to wash your hair?"

"Shampoo...why?" Morgan looked at Reid suspiciously, and with good reason.

"Oh, no reason. Can i see it?" Reid asked.

"O-kay..." Morgan pulled a bottle out of his go-bag and passed it to Reid.

Reid quickly glanced at the ingredients and muttered, "Okay, I can work with this," and passed it back to Morgan, not bothering to explain himself.

*_Reid arrived late to work the next day, half of his head still in braids and the other half extremely wavy. He was late because he had fallen asleep at 5:00 a.m., still struggling to unbraid his hair._

_At noon, he promptly passed out at his desk._

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><p><strong>Tell me if it was good or if it was shit or if you like goddamned cookies. I don't care as long as you review cuz if you write stuff on here, you know us authors like the email saying "1 new review".<strong>

**Thanks bunches and stay peachy.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Can someone recommend some good Wally West fics cuz i don't really feel like digging through the 5.2k of them...**

**And thanks to jaredjwalker1994 for reviewing within fiftenn minutes of posting the first chapter.**

**Thank you my good sir/lady. (I know it says Jared but it's the internet. Anything goes.)**

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><p>2. Morgan<p>

1 week later, the team again was on their way home after solving a case.

Morgan woke up, disoriented when his head felt heavier than usual.

He looked around and saw the entire team staring at him in shock and utter amusement. Except for Reid who was "asleep" on the chair across from him.

Morgan realized what had happened and whispered, "Oh, dear God, no!" He sprinted to the mirror and let out a high-pitched, feminine scream.

On his head was a rainbow afro wig, glued on. He pulled at it, but it showed no signs of giving.

He came out of the bathroom and shook Reid awake.

"What did you do? How do I take it off?!" Morgan asked angrily.

"What? Oh, wow, Morgan. That looks good on you," Reid said innocently.

"How do I take it off?" Morgan repeated, scared of the answer.

"I dunno. It's glued to your to your head. Figure it out."

"It's superglue?!" Morgan squeaked.

Reid snorted. "Definitely not. It's way worse than that. Morgan, did you forget that i have a Phd in chemistry? I can easily whip up a durable glue that's not harmful to skin and resistant to your special kind of shampoo, in under ten minutes. But I will tell you one thing that can get it off."

Morgan leaned in close, desperately clawing at the one shred of hope he had left.

Reid leaned forward too, and whispered, "Time." He laughed loudly at Morgan's crestfallen expression.

"How long will I have this?" Morgan questioned dejectedly, resigned to his fate.

"Don't worry; it's only for a week...or five."

The entire team howled with laughter.

Reid looked aroung lazily and said, "I don't know why you're laughing. You're all next."

The team's joyful expressions turned fearful as they closed their mouths.

*Morgan arrived at work with a miserable expression and a hat. Hotch told him to remove the hat, as he was indoors and that was rude. (Hotch may have also wanted to see what Morgan had done to try and lessen his predicament.)

Morgan took off the hat to reveal a layer of rainbow hair covering his own. He had not been able to remove all of it, but he had been able to cut most of it off.

As he walked past Reid's desk he heard Reid say:

"Payback's a bitch."

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><p><strong>Review or you shall wake up with an afro wig glued on and a cackling Reid standing over your bed with a lab coat and a beaker.<strong>

**...that threat is worse than it sounds...**


	3. Chapter 3

**3 in one day! Ermergerd.**

**Rant:**

**I can't wait for my sister to go to college. You know how fanfiction is kinda a guilty pleasure? Like, you don't really go around talking about the stories you wrote. My sister is one of those bitches who makes fun of you because you're smart. So, obviously, I didn't tell her about fanfiction and she was like "I'll just come back when your at school and when you come home, your laptop's gonna be gone." And I'm like "Bitch, what is yo' _problem_?" So now I'm mad and idk how to keep my _newly acquired_ laptop from her greasy mitts. UGHHHHHH...**

**Phew...I feel better.**

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><p>3. Garcia<p>

Garcia was having weird dreams. She was in a blue world that smelled like sharp chemicals. When she woke up, she was on the jet, happy because it was hard to breathe through the chemicals and blue was her least favorite color.

The happiness did not last long because the real world smelled like the chemicals too.

"No...no! Not me too!" Her hair was wet and tied into a bun. She ran into the bathroom and saw her hair, freshly died blue.

She let out a sharp gasp and woke the others, running out of the bathroom and straight to Reid.

"Reid! How could you do this to me? I understand Morgan, but _me_?" The team laughed at her reaction but stopped as she stared daggers at them.

Reid kept chuckling, laughing in the face of death.

"It could've been much worse. I was going to shave off all of your hair, but I have a heart." Reid smiled at her wide eyes.

"How come my punishment was way worse than hers?!" Morgan sounded outraged. "That's totally unfair!"

"Sorry, Morgan; I just couldn't bring myself to do a lot to Garcia. Besides, this was her first strike. You're on your 27th."

"You-you counted?" Morgan asked worriedly.

"No. I just happen to have an eidetic memory, remember?" Reid inwardly laughed at the irony.

"This is still unfair," Morgan grumbled.

"Reid..." Garcia sounded unsure. She leaned over and whispered conspiratorially, "Let me help with the next one."

Reid looked at her and whispered back, "Welcome aboard, my partner in crime."

"I'll be the Donna to your Doctor."

*_Garcia arrived at work the next day wearing clothes that brilliantly complimented her new hair._

_As she calmly fraternized with Reid, the others went on high alert._

_Garcia was treated with extreme respect for the following weeks._

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><p><strong>Adipose are creepy.<strong>

**Random fanfictional fact of the day/week/month/year/second(who knows):**

**Awkwardness is an awkward word so I deem the noun to be "Awkwardarity"**

**Sounds positively posh.**

**Bee Tee Dubs: review because that's what nice people do.**

**And avoid awkwardarity.**


	4. Chapter 4

**All of these chapters are really short...**

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><p>4. JJ<p>

JJ had tried to stay awake on the jet ride home; she really had. But this case had been a long one and eventually biology overcame willpower and caffeine.

She woke up fearing the worst, when she didn't feel her long blonde hair swish on her back when she turned her head.

"Oh...oh, no! He did not shave my head! Spence isn't that cruel!" The other members of the team were stirring.

The blonde was afraid to look at herself in the mirror, so instead she lifted a shaky hand to her head. Before she made contact, Morgan's voice startled her.

"Lookin' good, Miley Cyrus." He was chuckling at the horror on her face.

"Yeah, okay, Bobo the clown." JJ"s snipe quickly wiped the smirk off his face.

Finally, she couldn't withstand the curiosity and slowly walked towards the mirror. When she saw her own reflection, she gasped.

Perched on the top of her head were two golden Miley-Cyrus-after-twerking buns. She tugged at them but they obviously weren't coming out anytime soon, maybe never.

"Not Miley Cyrus!" She walked out of the bathroom and gave Reid a death-glare as she sunk back in her chair and pitied herself.

The team started at the perfect imitation of Miley's buns.

"How do you even know who Miley Cyrus is, anyways?" Prentiss asked in awe.

"Ah, I had help," Reid replied humbly. "Garcia planned this one."

"Yep. I turned from victim to accomplice," Garcia winked.

"Haha. Life's funny that way," Rossi chuckled.

Prentiss looked over at him. "We're next, y'know."

"...yeah, I know."

_*JJ arrived at work the next day with red and puffy eyes and a noticably shorter hair cut._

_JJ refused to talk to Reid for a week._

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><p><strong>Anybody else think that Miley Cyrus's career really went down the drain?<strong>

**Review or I shall DRAIN YOUR SOUL THROUGH PORES OF THE WENUS ON YOUR LEFT FUNNY BONE.**

**Thank you.**


	5. Chapter 5

**There's gonna be seven chapters and an epilogue and it'll probably be finished and published by tomorrow(9/4/14) night...ish.**

**...**

**...**

**...no promises;)**

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><p>5. Prentiss<p>

Prentiss knew she was next. She didn't know how she knew. But she knew. So on the jet ride home, a 7 hour flight, she was determined to stay awake the entire time. And she was succeeding, chugging cup after cup of dark, black coffee, staring at Reid and not daring to blink. Whenever Reid made even a slightly sudden movement, she flinched, trying to cover it up with a cough.

Halfway through the flight, Garcia stood up asking if anyone wanted another cup of coffee. Prentiss herself wanted more coffee but was afraid to turn her back on Reid.

"Um, y-yeah. Yes, please, Garcia," Emily nervously choked out.

Garcia came back a minute later with three cups: one for Emily, one for herself, and one for Reid. Prentiss's became heavy so she quickly downed the cup.

Reid laughed into his cup. Instantly, Emily was on high alert.

"What! What did you do to me? You can't possibly have shaved my head already!"

"Sleep tight, Emily," Reid chuckled quietly.

"You didn't!"

"What'd he do this time?" Morgan asked, laughing.

"The lil' bastard drugged m' coffee..." Emily slurred.

Her head drooped as she heard Morgan say, "Wow, Reid. Didn't know you had it in you."

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><p>Prentiss woke up feeling completely refreshed, which surprised her because she couldn't remember the last time she had had a good nights' sleep.<p>

Then she remembered. Emily looked aroung groggily as the team hovered around her.

"You did a good job, Reid. But that look doesn't really suit her," Garcia laughed.

Hotch handed Emily a mirror and she instantly pushed it away.

'I'm going to kill him. That asshole shaved my goddamned eyebrows off.'

_*She came to work the next day with drawn-on eyebrows. By the end of the day, the left brow was smudged across her face and her hand was slightly blackened._

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><p><strong>To be honest, I think Prentiss got it the worst.<strong>

**Oh, well. I never liked her anyways.**

***cue evil laughter***

**R-E-V-I-E-W P-L-E-A-S-E and The Master will be veeeerrrryyy happppyy o_O**


	6. Chapter 6

**You guys...I got tired of this story so I'm ending it with this chapter. Sorry:(**

**Warning: Character death**

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><p>6. Rossi<p>

The team didn't even notice Rossi's punishment until the day after they returned from a case.

They all stared at Rossi's retreating head as he left his office and went into the break room.

"No..." Morgan breathed.

"He-he didn't!" Prentiss exclaimed.

"Hell is going to be unleashed on Spence once he finds," JJ said with obvious astonishment dripping form her voice.

"I tried to talk him out of it..." Garcia said in a sing-songy voice.

The four of them jumped when Hotch suddenly appeared next to them and said, "Holy crap. I had no idea Reid was this brave...where is he anyway?"

Morgan gasped, "Maybe Rossi already found out and he killed Reid!"

"No, I saw Reid go into the coffee room earlier-oh, god, if Reid's not dead yet, he's about to be," Prentiss said as she walked towards the breakroom. The others followed.

The team stopped as Rossi walked out of the break room with a huge grin splitting his normally grumpy face.

JJ whispered to the others, "He's happy because he's already killed him!"

Giving Rossi a wide berth, they practically sprinted into the room; even Hotch was beginning to worry.

Garcia, JJ, Morgan, Prentiss, and Hotch let out a collective sigh of relief as they saw reid happily fixing his coffee. He turned when he saw them.

"Hey, guys. What's going on?" Reid asked innocently.

"Reid, we thought you were dead," Morgan said slowly.

"Yeah. I mean, I expected repercussions, but nothing like this," Reid replied, frowning.

"Did he hurt you?" Garcia asked.

"No, in fact...he accepted it."

"Really?!" JJ was obviously surprised.

"Reid, I still can't believe you shaved off a huge chunk of hair off the back of Rossi's head. It looks like a really bad bald spot," Prentiss said. "I have so much respect for you."

The team laughed as one as they left the room. But Hotch didn't miss the lingering look Reid gave him as they went back to their respective desks.

_*Rossi had thanked Reid for doing what he did. His reason? Now he always had a conversation starter:_

_"You wanna know what happens when you piss off a 26 year old genius?"_

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><p><strong>Hahahaha! You guys really thought Rossi killed Reid didn't you? You can't lie; The Blur knows alllll!<strong>

**NYAHAHAHA!**

**In all seriousness, there are two more chapters.**

**REViEW PLEAsE!**

**And I really love you guys cuz when I got home today I had five reviews and I just checked again and I now have 14.**

**Thanks, guys. Honestly.**


	7. Chapter 7

**These chapters are hella short...oh well. Yolo unless you're a cat. Even immortal beings olo but just for a really long time.**

**Anyways...**

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><p>7. Hotch<p>

Even though Reid had demonstrated an incredible amount of courage when he got his revenge on Rossi, no one expected him to touch Hotch.

They were wrong.

"Hey, Hotch."

"Yes, Morgan?"

"Your hair looks real good. Whatcha been doin' to it?"

"You-you noticed it?"

"Yeah, I noticed! You look so young now, with those blonde highlights. Takes ten years off."

"I hate them."

"What? Why?"

"I _hate_ them."

"Did you get them done professionally or have you just been spending time in the sun?"

"Neither."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"It looks good, Hotch. Stop worrying."

With that, Morgan walked off, and Prentiss walked up.

"Hey, Hotch. Nice hair."

"Stop talking about it!" Hotch yelled. He stormed off into his office and slammed the door shut behind him.

_*Reid had put special chemicals in Hotch's shampoo, making his hair lighter, knowing it would piss off his boss to no end._

_Reid was almost fired._

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><p><strong>Time for a spelling lesson!<strong>

**The word 'definitely' meaning 'beyond a doubt, absolutely, positively' is spelled:**

**D**

**E**

**F**

**I**

**N**

**I**

**T**

**E**

**L**

**Y**

**Alright? Cuz I'm seeing some people writing it like 'defiantly'.**

**...'Defiantly' is a completely different word!**

**And also it's not 'per say' it is 'per se'.**

**We good here?**

**Now please review:)**


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter may seem vaguely disappointing because it's so short (99 words not including author notes) but it's still longer than the 0 words it was going to be...so...**

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><p>8. Epilogue<p>

After Reid's revenge had come full circle, obviously fate would make them have a group picture for the brochure of the FBI. Strauss was not happy.

Garcia looked humble with green-tinted hair.

Morgan looked angry with his layer of rainbow hair.

JJ looked resigned with her brand-new short hair.

Prentiss looked embarrassed with her obviously 2D eyebrows.

Rossi looked amused with part of his new bald spot showing.

Hotch's face looked like stone, with his beautifully highlighted hair.

And Reid looked immensely happy, his arms slung around Morgan and JJ with a huge smile on his face.

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><p><strong>I feel like <em>maybe<em>, just maybe, Strauss didn't use that picture for the brochure.**

**Just maybe.**

**...**

**Welllll,**

**...**

**...**

**That's it folks.**


	9. MISSION FOR THE READERS

**THIS IS NOT A CHAPPIE!**

**Sorry! I feel terrible, like-like I'm cheating or something:C...**

**Anyways. There is a poll on my profile! It asks what your favorite fandom is.**

**AND CRIMINAL MINDS IS TERRIBLY LOSING.**

**You know what to do.**


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